Turco Sucks

It became pretty clear to me pretty quickly last night that Marty Turco is not a good goalie. I can say that most of the goals he let in were soft (save a sick Iggy tip) and that if he had any clue how to fall to the ice in a butterfly stance, almost all of those shots could have been soft. On that note, I'm happy to credit the Flames for truly playing until the final buzzer. They kept putting shots on Turco, and when you do that with a lazy goalie, you can score seven goals a game.

I'm still not sold on Nik Hagman. Yes he scored a (weak) goal last night and was originally credited with Iggy's second, but the last few games the guy has quite frankly looked like a steaming pile of dogshit. As for the new guys, Kosto and BABchuk, the only reason I noticed them was because they were on the ice and I wasn't used to seeing 16 and 33 without Friesen and Aucoin on the backs of the jerseys (who, by the way, would make some nice veteran signings Darryl). Of note: the Flames are now 1-0-0 without Olli Jokinen in the lineup. Just sayin'.

Best text from last night goes to Donsky (he in red, myself in green):

Holy [expletive] Turco is lazy

Haha I'm at the other end of the rink I can't see him much

Saw Gio layout Hossa just fine

I find myself feeling split right now. Although I never want to wish bad tidings on the Flames, I think I wanted them to lose the game last night just to see what the reaction would be in terms of the front office management. But I suppose we're just another January away from drowning in the obscurity of the bottom of the NHL... and this becomes relevant again:

The 4th annual Calgary Flames freefall

With last night's 4-3 loss to the San Jose Sharks, my confidence in this year's Calgary Flames hockey club is whittled down, not unlike the puck that Logan Couture rubs on his stick before every game he plays.

The Flames have played sixteen games this season, not even a quarter-way through the year, but if there is any reason to think differently that this team is so fundamentally flawed and will not compete for a spot in the top-eight teams in the conference, please inform me.

Calgary is now 1-6 in their last seven games. Five of the six losses were games that Calgary held the lead in. Here are some things to think about: The Flames, supposedly Stanley Cup contenders a year ago, slipped down the stretch (read: January) last year and removed themselves from a playoff spot. The supposed problem? A new head coach, time to buy into the system, etc. Now the Flames are 7-9 on the season and currently look like they have no idea how to win a hockey game.

If you watched last night's contest, San Jose looked like they did everything they could to lose that game. Dany Heatley had four shots on net --those don't count the two he absolutely rifled over Kipper-- and he finished without a point on the night. The Sharks were taking penalties left right and center. They started Antti Niemi in net for Christ's sake, who got his second win of the season and brought down his GAA.

This is not a team, but rather a conglomeration of players. For whatever reason, they can't seem to get it together. So fifteen games into the season, I present to you, where I would like to see some of these players go.

Jarome Iginla

I am personally against Iginla being traded. I think that after all he has done for the franchise and the City of Calgary, he needs to retire as a Flame. Not sold? Take a look at Mike Modano right now. If you were a Stars fan would you be able to take him seriously?

If Iggy goes anywhere, its got to be Pittsburgh. If the debate in Calgary is "get a center for Iggy", the call in Pittsburgh has been "get a winger for Sid". Would this move realistically happen? Iginla would be a fool to not waive his NMC, and the question would be what the Flames want in return. I assume Darryl Sutter hates first-round draft picks so that's out of the question, and I also happen to have a sneaking suspicion he loves defencemen. The trade goes down as follows: Jarome Iginla and a 3rd round pick to PIT for Brooks Orpik and Max Talbot.

Why the trade makes sense:

Because it doesn't make any sense.

Robyn Regehr

This is your childhood dying on  your computer screen

I've said before I think Regehr is one of the most over-rated defencemen in the league. Here is a guy who makes $4million and is not expected to chip in offensively at all. The last three years he has scored five, zero, and two goals, while earning point totals of 20, 8, and 17. For four million dollars a season. The argument is that he is supposed to be one of the better defensive defenceman in the league. EVEN IF he is the PREMIER defensive shutdown guy in the league (which he is not), four million bucks a year?

Regehr goes to Ottawa if anywhere. Ottawa is a team that recently called up David Hale on defense. When your team is screaming for help on defense, they call up David Hale. Regehr goes to Ottawa in exchange for Nick Foligno and Chris Kelly, thus adding more depth forwards and still not addressing any of Calgary's real needs.

Why the trade makes sense:

In this case the cap numbers actually work out, Ottawa gets a defensively reliable player to play with Gonchar, and Calgary spins its tires once again.

Miikka Kiprusoff

This is the man who is acting as Mighty Putty for this Calgary Flames team. This basically means he is patching up every hole in this team to date. Far and away the team MVP, the Flames actually owe it to Kiprusoff to trade him away to a contender so he can win the Stanley Cup he deserves.

What team on the edge of greatness needs a goalie? Couple of choices. The obvious pick is Washington. Sure people are raving about rookie Michael Neuvirth's play so far in net. But are you really going to sit there and tell me that he is going to win the close games for Washington in the playoffs? Kiprusoff to Washington for Brooks Laich, Tomas Fleischmann, and a 3rd round pick.

Why the trade makes sense:

Washington gets a goalie, Calgary gets depth depth depth! On the condition they re-acquire that pesky draft pick they were able to ship off in the Pittsburgh trade.

The other not-so-obvious choice I'd say is Detroit. I've never been sold on Jimmy Howard, and with Kipper in net wearing the winged wheel, this is a team that would benefit greatly from his services. Kiprusoff is shipped off to the Motor City in exchange for Daniel Cleary and Justin Abdelkader.

Why the trade makes sense:

Jimmy Howard might be a fine goalie but there's no way to say he is better than Kiprusoff, and Kipper will most definitely make it past the last day of the regular season first-round of the playoffs. Flames get a couple younger players who might actually look like they give a rat's ass.

All in all I know its only fifteen games in but quite frankly I'm just getting bored of watching the Flames play, and these changes would really alter the team and perhaps send them in a direction that is up from 14th in the conference.

Flames PR falls flat

Are the Flames talking about a game against kids in wheelchairs or about the season as a whole?

Most striking things about this video:
1.

Who wears #32 on Calgary?
Ryan Stone.
If Ryan Stone tried to play ball hockey with me, I'd probably tell him to fuck off.

2.

Why are some of the players wearing jerseys with 30th year anniversary patches?

3.

Where is the 2009 banner, and why is the 2010 banner shown before the game has been started in the video? This is a simple matter of continuity editing.

4.

Jokinen unable to clear the puck for a goal against the Flames, not an unusual sight.

5.
"We either need some goals from him or we need him to go back and stop some goals, but he's just kind of floating out there"- Brendan Morrison on Iginla's struggles this season from the game.

Who cares that Brett Sutter got arrested, this should in no way affect the on-ice product. Maybe it will force Darryl's hand into retirement so he can focus on his family etc, paving the way for a new GM and possibly a first-round draft pick.

How to not get a job pt. 2

New Flames goal song

For those who made it through the preliminary bullshit of my last post and got to the cover letter I actually bothered to submit to IGN, you will enjoy this.

Actually, I might as well take some time to clear some things up:

1. This is primarily a hockey blog that focuses on the Flames and Oilers. The Real Dan Moser and I are really fans of the game though, so its not unusual to see us writing about something else hockey-related.

2. Sometimes this is where I post other things I feel like writing about.

3. I've not written in quite some time but I haven't been sitting around doing nothing. I'm working on a 25 page paper for a 400-level History of Sport in Canada class. It is fucking awesome. We got to pick our own topics, I'm writing about why there are so few black hockey players.

3a. I'm done 14 pages, which is four-thousand words. This means I only need another...four-thousand words.

3b. I'm out of shit to talk about so gimmie any ideas if you got 'em. If this paper makes me famous I won't forget who you are.

3c. I also need a catchy title (Black Ice is not good enough).

Now that we've got that out of the way, I'd like to continue with my mini-series entitled Lessons in Stupidity. Volume 1 was pretty much me making fun of myself in a cover letter I sent to IGN that should be immediately below this post. Allow me to set you up for part two of this documentary. My roommate Chris told me he had heard about a marketing internship that was opening up with the Oilers. 

This is why I chose to clear some things up at the beginning of this post: how could a Flames fan even contemplate working for the Oilers? Well its because quite frankly I love hockey regardless of who is playing it, and come on like I'm gonna get a job offer from an NHL team and turn them down...Although that wouldn't make me the first Calgarian to refuse to work for the Oilers.

Honestly, I look back at this cover letter I sent to the Oilers and just laugh about some of the shit I actually wrote in it. As always I'll provide my commentary where I see fit, and after this maybe I'll actually write something about the Flames:

Good day,

My name is Richard Shilling and I am applying for the marketing internship with the Edmonton Oilers. I am a fourth year student at the University of Alberta in Edmonton, and I will be graduating in December of 2011. I am originally from Calgary and decided to come to Edmonton to see what the City of Champions was all about. I arrived in 2007 and have yet to see a championship come through the city, although I am optimistic about the city’s chances for the future. Being from Calgary, I am a Flames fan, but that should not hinder my chances of working for the Oilers organization. Just look at Taylor Hall. If one good thing can come out of Calgary, can’t two?

My God, did I just chirp the city of Edmonton in my opening paragraph? I can only assume they threw this whole application away after that. I think the Taylor Hall line is great.

I have some experience with amateur writing; I started a hockey blog in December of 2009 that mostly focused on the Flames. Unlike many blogs, mine does not contain much statistical analysis, it is writing with a more satirical focus. Being self-deprecating while cheering for the Flames generally goes hand-in-hand. The blog that ran from December 2009 to September 2010 is http://thelightersideoffire.blogspot.com. Currently I am working on a different blogging website, this one that focuses on the Flames and Oilers. I co-run the website with a young man named Daniel Moser who interned with Off The Record at TSN this summer. That (active) blog is http://pstfreehockey.blogspot.com. Also, I recently realized the importance of social networking, and thus have joined Twitter. I can be found at http://twitter.com/#!/rshillin. 

"Being self-deprecating while cheering for the Flames generally goes hand-in-hand". This is the best sentence I have ever written. Also, follow me on Twitter.

I have experience working with children of varying abilities as I worked at a summer camp, Camp BB Riback, from 2006 to 2010. Going through the ranks of Junior Counselor all the way up to Assistant Director, I have had the opportunity to work with many different people who come from different backgrounds. 

Where to start...

a. The term "Assistant Director" is not true. I was the "Operations Manager". Which would you write?

b. Working with different people who come from different backgrounds? More like going into Red Deer to buy shit that slipped through the cracks and cleaning toilets.

c. Darryl Katz's kids went to Camp BB Riback in 2009. They did not re-register for 2010. Oops.

Applying for a marketing internship is something I’ve always been interested in, and I happened to hear about this from my roommate. If hired, I am willing commit full time from January until the end of the season or longer, even if it means putting my education on hold. I already will be staying in Edmonton for the first semester of 2011, and pushing it back to 2012 would not devastate me, especially if it meant having an opportunity like this.

I thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear back soon.

-Richard Shilling

I almost feel like I should start applying to all sorts of jobs with cover letters like these and then post them on a website like Don't Even Reply.

How to not get a job

I'm a cool guy, and to keep my place in the hierarchy of society as a cool guy, I always need to be doing cool things. In this particular instance, I'm talking about when I bought a Wii, because there was a point in time when having a Wii was pretty cool. As it turns out, Wii is actually one of the biggest scams of all time. The graphics suck, the motion controls don't really work, you can't watch DVDs on it, really you can't do much except play the games that are on Wii. Here is the second part of that problem. The games on Wii are horrendous. Sure, the staples are fine. Any Mario/Zelda game is going to be fine. But what a slippery slope the system takes down from there.

In order to validate my purchase, I decided that instead of admitting defeat and trading the system away while it still had some value, I would need to dig deep and find some quality games. Upon Bruce's recommendation I checked out IGN and started looking through the trenches to find some games that didn't totally suck ass. I ended up finding a couple good ones I never would have heard about, so pretty much every day I check IGN just to see if anything groundbreaking is up.

Well, on October 12th, there certainly was something of note. This was the news story on their front page. It was a call that they were hiring editors. If you read the article they posted, it seems like they don't take themselves too seriously. Which makes sense if you've ever seen Grandma's Boy.


Here is my cover letter for that job. I will include analysis after any points which I see fit:

To whom it may concern,

Let me begin by writing that I am not comfortable beginning with such a formal statement when applying for a job at a videogame company. As it would seem on your “call to arms” online, this is one job that requires a certain type of laid-back personality. Maybe not as lax as the guys from Grandma’s Boy, but I think you catch my drift.

Ok, so film studies taught me to underline the titles of movies. Good work.

Here are the facts: my name is Richard Shilling. I am Canadian. Along with that goes every stereotype you could possibly come up with. I love hockey and beer, and I am always cold. I go to the University of Alberta in Edmonton. Every day I wake up and wonder who decided that this would be a good place to start a city, it has seriously got to be the coldest place you could ever imagine. It got down to -50 degrees Celcius (that’s -58F for you Yanks) last year and I wasn’t sure if I was going to survive the day.

I had to use a unit converter online to get Celsius to Fahrenheit. This paragraph has absolutely no business being in a cover letter.

When I was a little boy, every three years I would ask for the same birthday present: a re-subscription to Nintendo Power magazine. This was before the days of IGN, when I was forced to play Pokemon without a walkthrough (which led to me using my Master Ball on Zapdos). I fantasized about having a career in the videogame industry, and when I saw this ad online, I was overcome with a rush of nostalgia. All my life I’ve loved videogames, and now this is a chance to realize my sickest fantasies.

Think they stopped reading after this point?

I believe that my first time playing through the Shadow Temple was scarier than the first time I watched SAW. I believe that every business course should have a week where students must negotiate certain Pokemon trades. I believe that plumbing is an honest day’s work, because if you can work with poo all day, surely there is nothing that can bring you down. I have signed up for online dating websites, with one of my sticking points being how I can play Guitar Hero guitar and drums on expert. Between my roommates and myself, we have three PS3s, three Xbox 360s, and two Wiis. Videogames have had an enormous presence throughout my life.

Unfortunately for me, everything in this paragraph is true.

If you can believe it, I do enjoy activities other than gaming. I love hockey, to the point where I decided on a whim last year that I was going to start a blog about my beloved Calgary Flames. That material is available at http://thelightersideoffire.blogspot.com. Be warned: there is some harsh language. I prefer to think of it as “colorful”. As well, I have recently teamed up with another blogger who worked for TSN as an intern this summer; that material is available at http://pstfreehockey.blogspot.com. I think that even without a strong hockey background the material is accessible; I mostly aim for writing that comes off as dry and extremely sarcastic. You’ll find links to some of my personal favorite entries in the e-mail I sent.

Major league name drop: "I write with a guy who got coffee for the guys at TSN this summer". Sold.

I hope this cover letter finds you well and I certainly hope it stands out, as I am sure you are going to be flooded with all sorts of attempts to beg and plead for jobs. So to conclude, when continuing the hiring process, just remember that Bioware is located in Edmonton. If the city can produce one good thing, certainly it can produce another. Also, I want to move to the Bay Area upon graduation, but honestly I’d rather get there ASAP, something I could justify doing if I actually landed this job (I’m in my fourth year of studies right now).

-Richard Shilling

I would LOVE to leave Edmonton and move to San Francisco.

This is really more of a cry for help than anything, can somebody please teach me how to write a proper cover letter? 

My New Favourite Twitter Meme

By Dan Moser

So if you have been on Twitter you may have noticed people like to put a # before a string of words occasionally. Sometimes, "hash tagging" a phrase can become so popular that it spawns a terrible television program. Sometimes they fizzle out quickly or never gain a following at all. Recently for example my writing partner and I have been trying to jump start a #SpidermanPSA meme. It has not caught on, probably because I have less than 200 followers and about the same celebrity pull as the homeless guy cleaning the windows of the downtown Toronto coffee shop I'm writing in (ivory tower).

Back to the beef of this "story." The other night I stumbled upon a fantastic hockey related hockey meme: #ECHLMarketingIdeas. Who started this? I have no idea, all I know is that it is hilarious. I assume it came from the same minds that brought us #NHLCupCakes.

Background info: I realize some of my readers (like my family, my primary readers) probably don't get the joke at face value. The ECHL is a feeder league for the AHL which feeds into the NHL. The ECHL is professional AA hockey, it's a league with some hilarious team names, jersey concepts, and team locations. It is actually a lot like Canadian Junior Hockey buy way funnier because it's not teenagers riding the bus across country, it's professional athletes.

My favourite contributions to the meme:

hockeenight Score during shoot-the-puck and you dress for the 3rd #ECHLmarketingideas

Ozman51 #ECHLMarketingIdeas slightly less fighting than the central hockey league. 


TheRealDanMoser At least our website isn't http://www.theechl.com #ECHLMarketingIdeas
(The AHL's website is www.theahl.com. I always thought that was silly)

TheRealDanMoser Is this the year I don't need to get a summer job? #ECHLMarketingIdeas  

TheRealDanMoser ECHL players are just like me and you. Plus they're.....well they are just like me and you. #ECHLMarketingIdeas  

ECHLMarketing Most leagues say "2010-11 season", we say "2010-?" because who knows how sustainable we'll be in a few months. #ECHLmarketingideas 

chrissampang #ECHLMarketingIdeas It's Kazoo Night at the coliseum...because we need a goal song. 

Ozman51 We Use East Kinda Liberally These Days. #ECHLMarketingIdeas  
(There are an awful lot of West coast teams!)

Ozman51 Bubble Hockey ain't got nothin on us. #ECHLMarketingIdeas  

Hockette #ECHLmarketingideas We don't know who we are either.  

ECHLMarketing Don't let any of these tweets fool you, we don't actually have any #ECHLMarketingIdeas  

Real_PeterEvans Even bloggers don't write about us. #ECHLmarketingideas  

HockeyJoePHT It's like beer league hockey except... Actually, it's exactly like beer league hockey. #ECHLMarketingIdeas 

HockeyJoePHT If you thought the Islanders fisherman jersey was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. #ECHLMarketingIdeas 

Ozman51 Bring your Arena Football stub in for a free fountain drink. #ECHLMarketingIdeas 

HockeyJoePHT Helping you discover rural America one burned out factory town at a time. #ECHLMarketingIdeas 

thelinear #ECHLmarketingideas "Eklund E5 Rumor Alert: There's going to be an awesome @ECHL game this season"  

HockeyJoePHT Looking for all of Doug Risebrough's favorite prospects? We got 'em. #ECHLMarketingIdeas 

thelinear #ECHLmarketingideas: Your-kid-draws-our-logo night http://www.logoserver.com/ECHL.html  

HockeyJoePHT Where mediocrity happens. #ECHLMarketingIdeas 

DownGoesSpezza Wade Redden's NEXT home #ECHLmarketingideas 


So, which were your favourite? Did I miss any good ones? Can you come up with any better ones? 


In all seriousness I can't stop typing in italics, the button is not working. Also, I wish I was playing in the ECHL.
 

Catching up

Footage from Flames practice 10/31/2010

You only need to watch the first two minutes, its worth it.

What is going on with Glencross' pumpkin.

The kid about 1:00 in gets talked to by the Flames TV girl:

Flames TV girl: Cameron are you a big Flames fan?

Cameron: ...Not really.

Can't blame him.

Flames TV girl: Who is your favorite player?

Cameron: Ovech... I mean not Ovechkin. Uhh... Iginla.

What a bandwagon fan.

Two minutes in Ian White gets some camera time and that's when you know it's time to stop watching.

I went to the slaughterhouse  game on Saturday night and was there firsthand to witness what will hopefully be Cory Sarich's final game as a Flame. Also I think someone important from the Dome is (finally) reading some of this stuff, because after Ovechkin's second goal they played a song I had recommended in an earlier post.

Line of the night goes to my dad. During the 2nd intermission (score 7-2 for WSH) there was an advertisement on the Jumbotron that said something to the effect of, if you have tickets you aren't using, the Flames would like you to donate them to some group that gives the tickets to underprivileged youth. Upon this announcement my dad turns to me and says, "Shit, they're already underprivileged, haven't they suffered enough?".

There is a new bet between myself and The Real Dan Moser. For those of you who have been following (Flamesnation.com), myself and Dan made a bet as to who would score first: Taylor Hall, or Olli Jokinen. We put a $5 scratch-and-win on the line. both men scored their first goals of the season on the same night. Obviously the next step was to up the ante. Whichever player gets more goals over the course of the regular season, the loser of the bet has to buy the other person that player's jersey. To put things in a less convoluted way, once Jokinen outscores Hall, I'll be the proud owner of a #13 Flames jersey, courtesy of Dan Moser. Start the count!