Some Kinda Post

What exactly is heat vision

The NHL guardians project is dumb. I know its not supposed to be for "me", but will little kids really get into it? I have a feeling this will all be by the wayside in about seven months. Also, they got The Flame all wrong. They made no mention that he is on the wrong side of 30, makes more than $3million a year, and has a no-movement clause through 2014.

Today, I want to talk about the internet. I have already made a post at my old blog about how the internet kicks ass, specifically how it is a harbor of stupidity. This is required reading.

If you read my last post about the Jay Feaster Twitter account, hopefully you've already checked out the feed, because some pretty funny shit has been coming out of it lately. However, there is always a problem when running a joint account with someone else. People simply have different ideas of what is tasteful or not (I'm sure Jay Feaster has never had a problem with taste (too easy)). Anyways, when this tweet got sent out, I thought the account was sunk. This was sent out after the Flames last game where they were whipped 6-0 by the Minnesota Wild and Cal Clutterbuck scored a pretty soft goal:

Ooooh. There's something about telling Theo Fleury to kill himself, while he is in the United States filming a documentary about his disaster of a life, that sets off warning bells in my head. I really thought this was going to be the end of the JayFeasterGM account. There is no way that Fleury could take this seriously any longer.

Alas Flames fans, our childhood hero, is an idiot:

Alright. So looks like the whole "take your life" thing is water under the bridge. I guess I would do the same if I was in Theo's shoes. I mean, the guy still feels he can play in the NHL. If the GM of the only team I had a (barely) realistic chance sent that to me, I would probably try to laugh it off. Well, with that whole issue settled, I decided to have some more fun with the Feaster account. Remember, what people write on top, is what they originally say. Then the Feaster tweet on the bottom is the response to them:

I've been using that joke about the patches on the Flames' jerseys for quite some time now. As a matter of fact, I'm almost positive I stole it from someone else. Oh well. Now, I really was being helpful here. I was hoping that the girl (Vickie) would see the tweet, get her question answered, and her curiosity fulfilled. But, she had to go bragging to everyone about how the General Manager of the Flames ACTUALLY tweeted back at her!!

So readers, a question. Who is more gullible, Theo Fleury or Carolina fans?

Playing With Fire

If you are a Flames fan then by all accounts you should have been a Theo Fleury fan in the 1990s. I don't need to explain this. The little guy was the face of the franchise in a time of uncertainty for Calgary, and he certainly made his mark on the franchise felt, as until recently he was the Flames all-time points leader.

But as documented, he went through a rather serious fall from grace. His career took wrong turns in Colorado and New York, before blacking out in a Chicago nightclub in 2003 and ending his career. He then wrote a book called Playing With Fire which was his life story, and I didn't read it but I gather the big selling point is how he can attribute all of his life's failures to being sexually molested by Graham James when he was playing junior hockey.

One thing that Fleury likes to do is a lot of public speaking, because he wants to reach out to troubled people and try and give back to communities. The picture above is evidenced of that as I heard him speak when I was in high school. I was particularly impressed with him because he was more than willing to pose for a picture with us as opposed to Mike Vernon, who more or less told us to eat shit before eventually obliging.

What a cock

Anyways I guess Fleury really like reaching out to fans, and there's no better way to reach out to fans and promote your book than through Twitter. 

Now, myself and David Tucker have recently created a fake Twitter account on behalf of Flames Acting General Manager Jay Feaster, who I have had fun with on this blog before. Most of the time when these accounts get found out, they are shut down or made to explicitly state that they are a parody. This is how our fake Jay Feaster describes himself on Twitter:

There is seriously no way that anyone could consider this real. He makes a fat joke in his own description while taking a shot at the guy who hired him before. I recently took a look at who our followers are, that is, the people who actually choose to see what we write from this account. We have nineteen followers. One of them is Theo Fleury. Why is this worth something? Because Fleury only follows seventy-eight people, and most of them are hockey guys. 

Not to mention, most of the people the fake Jay Feaster is following are jokes about him. Like, he follows Little Caesar's Pizza, and Man VS Food, as well as other fake general manager type people on Twitter. Examples of some things we have sent from this account:

JayFeasterGM Jay Feaster

Tried to make a pitch for Kyle Wellwood's diet tips. This whole waivers thing is tricky

17 Jan

 

JayFeasterGM Jay Feaster

At the urinal with Loubardias last night. Turns to me and says peeing without farting is like a hotdog without mustard. Some kinda line!

14 Jan

JayFeasterGM Jay Feaster

Bruce Boudreau thinks 10am is too early for ice cream. Fuckin' health nut

12 Jan


JayFeasterGM Jay Feaster

@ManvFood Just watched the Alaskan King Crab episode, you're a coward

6 Jan

Seriously, anyone who reads this shit and thinks its serious is simply not paying attention. So after last night's Flames loss I decided to see if I could elicit a reaction from Theo (not the first time I've succeeded):

I honestly hope that Fleury figures out this account is a joke before he walks into the Saddledome to talk to Jay Feaster about his next comeback opportunity.

The Chosen Podcast Episode Two

Here it is for your enjoyment, the acclaimed Chosen Podcast.
If you don't listen I fear you won't know what to talk about around the water cooler tomorrow.
In other news, water coolers still exist?

The Hockey Musical

I know what you're thinking.

Is this next post really going to be about the hockey musical movie that just came out?
Everyone knows that the only thing that goes better together than hockey and musicals are nuts and gum.
Even more questions race through your mind. "Why did he even watch the movie?".
Just give me a chance to explain.

I did a lot of flying this past winter break, and it was all through Air Canada. My dad used to have a line that I actually loved as a kid. "Air Canada: we're not happy, till you're not happy". That's a great one. But Air Canada has really stepped up in the last couple of years. I'm talking specifically about their in-flight entertainment system. There are touch-screen TVs on the back of every chair, which means you can pick from a pretty big library of recent movies and TV shows. Try to understand, I don't have an iPhone or anything I get to touch or play with so this is pretty exciting shit for me.

I got to pick from quite a few movies. I first watched The Matrix (1999), because that movie is such a classic and I always seem to walk in my front door right in time for the final scene. Seriously makes you contemplate the nature of reality (this is coming from the guy who got that F1 in philosophy don't forget). Had the chance to watch Dinner for Schmucks (2010), which was actually awkward to the point where I almost turned it off but it ended up being worth a laugh or two, especially at the end. Everything Paul Rudd touches turns to gold. Finally I watched The Social Network (2010), which I was stunned they even offered considering the movie came out like 20 minutes ago on DVD. Didn't really like it. Apparently I don't understand normative criteria for rating entertainment, because I didn't like that movie and everyone lost their shit over it, but the albums Lateralus by Tool and Metallica's Death Magnetic are two of my favorites of all time and apparently they suck. Also, if anybody reading this ever wants to make a movie about my life, can you please wait until I am dead. Thank you.

At this point I still had one more flight and another movie that I could watch. I decided for whatever reason to check out the Canadian section (sweet), and while browsing I saw that the hockey musical movie was listed. I had heard some pretty shitty reviews about this movie. Actually I'm pretty one journalist actually called the movie "gay", which is something that is not allowed in the professional world? I dunno.


Anyways, the movie starts by introducing some dude at a local rink who is challenged by an older guy to a game of 1-on-1 hockey. Loser has to pay the other guy $50. A couple things jump into my mind here: I'm no rink rat, but nobody plays hockey 1-on-1. Furthermore, if a 45 year old guy challenged me at a rink when I was 17 years old I'd probably tell him to go fuck himself. Anyways they launch into these slow motion scenes of him skating circles around the dude, and the whole time he's singing. One thing you begin to realize as the movie goes on: every song sounds exactly the same.

The end result of this intro is you've got a dude who has never played hockey, is scouted to play, but he doesn't play the way he's supposed to. The dude wants to score goals and he doesn't want to fight. His parents are educated cowards and they taught him that pacifism is the way to go. Oh yeah, he's also trying to bang his next door neighbor. This is all a recipe for a shitty movie. What really got me are the cameos in this thing. Steve Kouleas is in it, and at one point I was staring at the screen looking at Walter Gretzky. But nothing prepared me for when I saw Theo Fleury start to sing about following your dreams. I've always wanted to own a bankrupt concrete company myself. Seeing Fleury in this was funny to me for a different reason.

Before my departure, the World Juniors Canada/USA game was on and I guess everyone was watching that. The USA were the heavy favorites entering the tournament and had beaten Canada earlier in the round-robin. So Canada went out and dominated the game, and Fleury decided to show some love to his followers on Twitter:

Apparently I was the only person on the internet to see anything wrong with this, coming from Theo Fleury:

Also, the Flames play in Ottawa tonight. I wish I had something interesting to say about them but in a season where Tim Jackman has two less goals and is +9 higher than Olli Jokinen, I'd say its about time to shut the club down. The more games this team plays the more and more it looks like the Island of Misfit Mascots.

A Tale of Scumbaggery

Sometimes, there's a man, who to no ends, manages time and time again to impress you. This is a story of how I had the potential to ruin some girl's life in London Ontario last weekend. Allow me to set the scene and describe to those who have never been to London just what this place is like.

There are those that consider Edmonton to be a "university town". With that connotation, there come a few implications. Like, you can walk to a place with bars near campus, or that its generally a party school. Until this last weekend, I was in agreement with this statement. You are reading the words of a man who spent two years in Lister Residence and actually made it out alive. Lister was a party, and party hard we did.

London makes Edmonton look like vanilla yogurt. You literally go downtown into London and the amount of shit going on after two in the morning is insane. There are shwarma shops open everywhere. There is a Little Caesar's Pizza, fully stacked with Hot-n-Readys and crazy bread for every intoxicated person in all of Ontario. The whole of downtown can't be more than five or six blocks and there is a metric fuck-ton of bars open. The deals they have there are dec too. Edmonton used to have 25cent hiballs at the Union, which can partially explain my transcript from second semester first year, but those days are long gone now.

What the fuck is an F1

 
We went to some place that had $2 Jagrbombs and $2 beers. That is a ludicrous deal. At any normal establishment, you can expect to pay $5 for a can of Redbull alone. I was at the point where I literally could not contain my excitement and ordered twenty-two at once. Needless to say I don't remember much else about the night but I do know that I 1) lost my jacket 2) tried to walk home with a Hot-n-Ready and crazy bread 3) passed out in my friend's girlfriends house, who I've met like three times ever. So yeah, I was not ready for London it turns out.

Neither was this dude

 

But my story comes two nights after the house-warming party I threw for myself. As he prefers this moniker, I will refer to my friend as Cake throughout this tale. It was my last night to drink to failure and Cake wanted to go to a place called Jim Bob's, which I guess is famous for being really easy to get in if you're an underage girl. We roll up to Jim Bob's and I am wearing my best clubbing shirt:

Cake and I then have a conversation over a few casual whiskey shots:

Cake: Dude, the girls out here are so dumb. Like, watch this. Just play along.

He proceeds to call two girls over from across the bar and then engages in one of the greatest lines I've ever been a part of:

Cake: Ladies, do you know who this man is?

Girls: No.

Cake: This guy plays in the NHL on a line with Jarome Iginla and Sidney Crosby!

(I would be happy to explain something here if anyone doesn't know hockey. Jarome Iginla and Sidney Crosby play for two very different teams, Calgary and Pittsburgh.)

Girls:... REALLY?!

Cake: Yup. This is the man!

Girls: He's too short to be a hockey player (I'm like 5'8).

Cake: No no, he is the 2nd shortest person to ever play in the NHL!

Cake had the state of mind to say the 2nd shortest player ever because that's a lot harder to Google than it is the shortest player ever.

Girls: Oh my God!! Do you know Dion Phaneuf?

Me: Oh yeah, me and Dion are boys!

Like the conversation goes on like this, but I keep shooting whiskey because its like three bucks a shot and eventually my memory starts to get a little hazy. I ended up with a $5 footlong (AKA Jay Feaster's appetizer) back at my cousins place, who earlier in the day I saw for the first time in like ten years. Anyways, from 4am I made it back to Cake's place and went to bed.

The next morning:

Cake: Dude! Did you go home with that girl last night?

Me: Uhh, no.

Cake: What!! That wasn't part of the plan!

Me: ....what plan.

Cake: I assumed she lived in residence cause she looked so young, you were supposed to go with her to wherever she lived, hook up with her, and then the next morning she would brag to her friends that she just wheeled a guy who plays in the NHL on a line with Iginla and Crosby! And like everyone would start clapping and shit being like "you idiot!!"!

I wish I had been told of this plan.

The C of Red

My Big Fat GM

At the risk of enabling myself to become super lazy, I will not be posting bits and pieces of this scholarly work for days. Rather, I have uploaded it onto the internet (I don't know how this works) and if you were so inclined to download this piece of academic brilliance the link is available here. Now that I've gotten that out of the way we can get into a more serious subject: Jay Feaster's physical health.

I look at this picture and believe the only reason he is not eating the microphone is because it is neither 1. covered in cheese or 2. bacon-wrapped. What in god's name is going on with this man. Its pictures like this that make you think right away of the other big men involved with the sport of hockey. The other easiest example is obviously Big Bad Bruce, coach of the Washington Capitals, who won their first Stanley Cup last night.

If you've been watching HBO's 24/7 coverage of the Penguins and Capitals over the last month you undoubtedly saw when Boudreau takes his family to buy a "gift" for his wife at the mall he notices a Haagen-Dazs shop. The exchange goes something like this:

Boudreau: Ice cream, yipee! Its never too early for ice cream.

Boudreau's kid: Dad its not even ten o'clock.

Gets you thinking though, Boudreau was once a player. He wasn't always such a hazard to himself.

Jay Feaster though, has never played hockey in his life. He admitted that in a Calgary Herald article the other day.

Ideally I'd like to start a Twitter meme but I have like 50 followers and most of them I see every day anyways. If I had one wish though, it would be to start #feasterisfat as a trend. So help me out. Get creative. I've only got a couple so far:

Also hopefully I'll start writing more about the Flames soon, I figure this is a good start in the right direction.