Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Tale of Scumbaggery

Sometimes, there's a man, who to no ends, manages time and time again to impress you. This is a story of how I had the potential to ruin some girl's life in London Ontario last weekend. Allow me to set the scene and describe to those who have never been to London just what this place is like.

There are those that consider Edmonton to be a "university town". With that connotation, there come a few implications. Like, you can walk to a place with bars near campus, or that its generally a party school. Until this last weekend, I was in agreement with this statement. You are reading the words of a man who spent two years in Lister Residence and actually made it out alive. Lister was a party, and party hard we did.

London makes Edmonton look like vanilla yogurt. You literally go downtown into London and the amount of shit going on after two in the morning is insane. There are shwarma shops open everywhere. There is a Little Caesar's Pizza, fully stacked with Hot-n-Readys and crazy bread for every intoxicated person in all of Ontario. The whole of downtown can't be more than five or six blocks and there is a metric fuck-ton of bars open. The deals they have there are dec too. Edmonton used to have 25cent hiballs at the Union, which can partially explain my transcript from second semester first year, but those days are long gone now.
What the fuck is an F1

We went to some place that had $2 Jagrbombs and $2 beers. That is a ludicrous deal. At any normal establishment, you can expect to pay $5 for a can of Redbull alone. I was at the point where I literally could not contain my excitement and ordered twenty-two at once. Needless to say I don't remember much else about the night but I do know that I 1) lost my jacket 2) tried to walk home with a Hot-n-Ready and crazy bread 3) passed out in my friend's girlfriends house, who I've met like three times ever. So yeah, I was not ready for London it turns out.

Neither was this dude
But my story comes two nights after the house-warming party I threw for myself. As he prefers this moniker, I will refer to my friend as Cake throughout this tale. It was my last night to drink to failure and Cake wanted to go to a place called Jim Bob's, which I guess is famous for being really easy to get in if you're an underage girl. We roll up to Jim Bob's and I am wearing my best clubbing shirt:
Cake and I then have a conversation over a few casual whiskey shots:

Cake: Dude, the girls out here are so dumb. Like, watch this. Just play along.

He proceeds to call two girls over from across the bar and then engages in one of the greatest lines I've ever been a part of:

Cake: Ladies, do you know who this man is?
Girls: No.
Cake: This guy plays in the NHL on a line with Jarome Iginla and Sidney Crosby!

(I would be happy to explain something here if anyone doesn't know hockey. Jarome Iginla and Sidney Crosby play for two very different teams, Calgary and Pittsburgh.)

Girls:... REALLY?!
Cake: Yup. This is the man!
Girls: He's too short to be a hockey player (I'm like 5'8).
Cake: No no, he is the 2nd shortest person to ever play in the NHL!

Cake had the state of mind to say the 2nd shortest player ever because that's a lot harder to Google than it is the shortest player ever.

Girls: Oh my God!! Do you know Dion Phaneuf?
Me: Oh yeah, me and Dion are boys!

Like the conversation goes on like this, but I keep shooting whiskey because its like three bucks a shot and eventually my memory starts to get a little hazy. I ended up with a $5 footlong (AKA Jay Feaster's appetizer) back at my cousins place, who earlier in the day I saw for the first time in like ten years. Anyways, from 4am I made it back to Cake's place and went to bed.

The next morning:

Cake: Dude! Did you go home with that girl last night?
Me: Uhh, no.
Cake: What!! That wasn't part of the plan!
Me: ....what plan.
Cake: I assumed she lived in residence cause she looked so young, you were supposed to go with her to wherever she lived, hook up with her, and then the next morning she would brag to her friends that she just wheeled a guy who plays in the NHL on a line with Iginla and Crosby! And like everyone would start clapping and shit being like "you idiot!!"!

I wish I had been told of this plan.

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